Month: January 2016 (Page 2 of 3)

Today was a little tough as Cole was a little weak and wobbly from either the chemo or the after surgery crash. He just wanted to sleep and was not interested in food other than very select cookies. The things he went for yesterday were spit out today. This makes me think it was the chemo. We had to shove the pills down his throat and he ate very little food but some cookies and a little bite of chicken so that is something.

This morning, I was watching him sleep and sad for him that he seemed to not feel good and worried that he was so weak. I saw him struggle to walk to go out and go to the bathroom. I’m ashamed to admit I started missing the dog that he was. I miss my playful goof and sweet snuggly guy that I know he still is and will be again but I also miss the beefy, seemingly invincible dog he was. I miss the dog that people would stop me to ask about and want to pet and make comments like “I bet no one gives you a hard time!” I miss moments like the door to door security system salesman coming to our door, pausing with his mouth open when the door opened and he was face to face with a wagging and smiling Cole, shaking his head and saying “Have a nice day” before walking away. I miss the dog that once blocked my entire bedroom doorway with his huge body and, head down, snarled in a way that sounded more like a bear roaring than a sound a dog can make when a man came into my house at 3:30 in the morning (it was just my husband coming home from an overnight film shoot at work so no worries, nothing bad happened). I miss our walks and the short but hilarious wrestling matches between him and Ella. I miss the gorgeous beast who was so much the ideal mastiff. It is shallow and selfish to think these things and I felt bad thinking them. He didn’t ask to get cancer and is in pain and here I am, sad that he will be less….perfect? impressive? I’m not sure what the word I am looking for is. I am tempted to delete this whole post because I am disgusted with myself for thinking these things even if it was only for a few minutes.

As the day went on, he started feeling better and got stronger. All of his little victories made my heart swell and I was so filled with pride when we took off the back half of his harness and barely supported him for his last potty trip before bed. I was so happy for him when I took his port out after his last dose through the catheter because it meant he could be out of isolation and back in his bed. The “dog bed” is a twin size mattress on the floor at the foot of our bed so there is a mattress thickness bit of a jump. I was so happy when he hopped up on the bed after only one stumble all by himself. He is now snoozing with Ella where he should be and I expect him to sleep through the night because of it. He is now sitting up at different points during the day and can get up by himself. I am so proud of how strong he is and how resilient. I miss some things about the old Cole but I am appreciating him in so many new and different ways now. He is amazing and still so impressive and gorgeous and a perfect example of a mastiff. He has lost nothing but 10 lb of pain and disease so I was crazy for feeling sad before.

I wonder if others have these thoughts through this process. Is it just me being selfish and prideful or is it normal to miss things about your dog?

Just now while I was writing this, he stood up by himself and walked a few feet and then got back in bed with no assistance at all for the first time. It feels like the kind of excitement you feel over a baby’s first steps. I’m so happy he will soon feel less confined by his inability to move very much.

Cole is doing better now. After the hellish first night, we started seeing glimpses of our dog again. The constant crying did stop once we figured out how to space out all the different medications a little better. I think part of the problem is he had his last dose of everything at the surgery center right before we left so we had to wait so long for him to be able to have anything again. We have been trying to make sure he gets some sort of medication every 3 to 4 hours if he is awake and seems uncomfortable. If he is sleeping, we let him sleep until he wakes up and needs more pain medicine. He is much more comfortable now. He slept several hours at a time last night. I slept with him for the first 4 hours then moved to my bed and he only woke up a few times after that.

He is continuing to eat and drink. His appetite has waned a little but he is still eating at least part of his food and several cookies. He stopped peeing the bed by yesterday morning but was still incontinent so he leaked fairly steadily. It was manageable with puppy pads and not completely stripping the bed every 45 minutes. I think they really pumped him with fluids in surgery and he didn’t know how to pee outside while wearing that harness or not lifting a leg so he tried to hold it. He did the same thing when we first got him. He was 10 months old and we had to wait him out by standing outside before he understood it was ok to pee when on leash. He has mastered peeing outside now and is not leaking anymore so the pee pads are not needed for anything other than placemats when he eats and drinks in bed.

Ella has been a little withdrawn and watchful. She seems concerned and a little confused. She was a big help in getting him to pee in the harness. My husband has been a bit overprotective and is so scared she will get crazy and hurt him while trying to play. I said we need to get him back to his routine so let’s try it. We get him outside and standing steady then let her out. I think the familiar potty trip scene it created helped him and he had his first pee. We told him he was such a good boy and he hasn’t had any trouble since. Ella is like a little cheerleader. She loves his hop and jumps around him and gets the zoomies. It is really encouraging him to walk and I love seeing her run up and touch noses, they wag and nuzzle then she goes bounding around. When he hops, she gets really excited because she thinks he is playing.

She also helped him to relax. We have been really nervous about the port by his incision because that thing is impossible to keep in place. We were scared Ella would accidentally rip it out. She seems to instinctively know to be gentle and is not snuggling up as hard as before. We started having her come in the pen with him once the leaking pee stopped and he relaxed completely for the first time since we brought him home. Their bond is so amazing. They have both been upset at being separated and they both fell into a very deep sleep as soon as they were together. I took this picture last night and then had to go hide to cry mostly happy but also bittersweet tears.

He is doing really well with walking. He got up by himself three times yesterday: once when I left to pick up food for Mike and me and came back, once for Mike when he came home from picking up medicine for him and once for Grandpa when Mike’s dad dropped off some supplies for us. He is wobbly and tires quickly but walks more and more with less and less support from us. He insisted on going to “his spot” which is the far end of the yard to pee. We have moved to the living room and he and Ella are snoozing on their bed in front of the couch. No whining at all and he has been snoozing on and off and just hanging out when awake. I think some of the whining is because he really just hates that pen. The port is supposed to come out today so he will sleep with Ella in their bed. He is a little more tired today but we were expecting a crash from either chemo or few days after surgery so are not concerned. He seems good other than being more tired.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention his incision looks great and already looks like it is healing. There is a little bruising and some swelling but it already looks better.

We called the emergency vet and he said up the Tramodol which has helped. He is finally settled down and resting. Going to sleep now while I can but I wanted to post that he is doing ok for now. Here is a picture of his incision with the port set up our vet used and one of him finally resting with my husband.

I posted about this in the forums because we are overwhelmed and could use the advice and support. We picked him up around 4 this afternoon and took him to chemo before coming home. He was really excited to see his sister and he ate but the pain medication is not cutting it. He has a port that we inject Bupivacaine into every 6 to 8 hours but he started really feeling it at about 5 hours and we gave it to him at 5.5 hours when he was howling in pain and would not stop writhing around on the bed. I am hoping it was only so bad because he had so much to do today with the doctor appointments.

Cole at chemo

The port is problematic because I am scared it will get ripped out but taping doesn’t stay, this sticky plastic wrap stuff the vet put on it just bunched up around it, the T shirts do not keep it in place. He cannot walk on his own at all. I think he is too doped up and weak because even his back legs are not holding him up. Every time we put the harness on, I feel like the port is going to be ripped out.

He has also been peeing everywhere. He peed during chemo, he peed more than I thought a dog could hold in the front yard when we first got home, we have changed his bedding twice and have been keeping puppy pee pads under him as much as possible but the pee just doesn’t end. We don’t want to take him out for all this pee because it requires the harness and seems to just exhaust him to go the 6 feet required to step outside. I hope this is just the fluids from surgery and his system gets back to normal.

His incision looks good. There is quite a bit of fluid in the bottom and some drainage but nothing out of the ordinary so far. He ate both breakfast and dinner, he pooped this morning and we got pumpkin to help keep things going. He is on anti-nausea medication from chemo. I do not know how to comfort him. He seems like he is in so much pain.

Cole gets home

We took Cole in this morning and he is in great shape other than the tumor so he was approved for the amputation. His surgery started about an hour and a half ago and should be about halfway through. I was so sure of this last night. I would look at his leg and the now visible lump there and wish we could get that evil thing off of him as soon as possible but as soon as we were at the office, my brain was still sure and my heart was screaming with doubt. I am still feeling that doubt even though I know this is what is best for him. I will feel a little better when he is out of surgery. We just called to check on him and he is doing well under the anesthesia. They are just about ready to start closing. He was really scared when they took him back and put him in the kennel this morning and they gave him an anti-anxiety drug to help him and he did well with that. It kills me to hear he was scared. He wouldn’t walk back to the kennel area without us so we had to walk with him and I wanted to just curl up with him and hold him.

We left Ella with our friends and their dog while we went to the appointment. She has been looking for him since we got back. She won’t eat and seems really nervous. Ella skipping a meal is unheard of so I know she is stressed. I wish I could explain this to her. This is from the day a few weeks ago when they got their new bed and refused to move for 45 minutes. They sat like this and sighed and groaned. I can’t wait until we can go pick him up. It will be so weird not having him here tonight. I think one of us will be sleeping with Ella.