Month: August 2016

We said goodbye to Cole today. He was still getting worse and the pain meds were working for shorter and shorter amounts of time. He was so weak he could barely get up and it was time. We are all heartbroken.

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.” -Unknown

Not that we haven’t been spoiling him for the past 7 months and not that our pets are not ridiculously spoiled to begin with but I thought I would share how we are stepping up the spoiling right now. It will help me focus on the fun parts of this time.

I bought a pack of ground beef, a big bunch of bananas, a pack of rotisserie chicken meat at Costco and bought a bunch of different canned food and treats. I got them some rubber bones that taste like meatloaf and pizza since chewing the normal bones seem to be a little tiring. We have about 15 kinds of treats in the house. We have pumpkin though he seems to be associating that smell with his amputation and turning away so Ella is enjoying that on her own. He used to love it but we fed him quite a bit of pumpkin during surgery recovery so that is my best guess. We have Greek yogurt and cheese and blueberries and he can eat every last bean in the garden if he wants it.

We give him treats with cannabis oil about an hour before meal times. He is getting a little kibble, a lot of canned food and tonight we added meatballs. I put his pills in balls of raw hamburger and oh my they both went crazy. They also got an extra meatball after dinner just because. I have been deemed The Bringer of Meatballs and it took an hour for them to stop checking if I have beef when I come in the room. I brought him water in bed when he was done eating and he wouldn’t drink until I left because he just kept checking for hamburger.

We are watching Netflix together right now. They get treats throughout the day. They will sleep with us again tonight and we will work on building my carnivorous bog garden tomorrow while sitting in the grass together. He likes helping with projects outside so I thought this would be a good way to spend the weekend.

Mike and I have all the easy to make food and a nice wine stash. I bought a Costco pack of Kleenex. I have a mobile vet lined up which is oddly comforting since I don’t want to be without a plan if things get bad fast. We can let her know when we are at that point and can just wait for his signals until then. We have a bunch of amazing friends and family offering to help with anything they can.

I’m feeling more positive since he ate. He has been getting picky about food and him eating every piece of kibble then licking the bowl clean makes me relax a bit. He seems to be a little stronger today so I think the chemo is almost out. We seem to have a good level and schedule for the pain medication figured out so hopefully he will sleep most of the night. We are keeping the meds as low as possible for now and have quite a bit of room to up the doses as we need it.

He will get meatballs with every meal every day. He will get cuddles and cookies and all of his favorite things. He will continue getting as many belly rubs as he wants. We are taking even more pictures than usual and I am making a mental note of every detail; every stripe, the feel of his scruff, his velvety ears, his doggy smell. We are looking at a ton of pictures from when he was cancer free and remembering both our strong warrior against this disease and the happy, carefree beast he was before.

Cole has really declined. The Vinorelbine has been great for his breathing but I suspect his lungs and skin are not the only places the cancer is taking over anymore. The Vinorelbine targets only the lungs and the oral chemo has not been enough for the rest of it. The mass on his side that was about the size of a marble about a month ago is a little bigger than a golf ball now. His breathing is good but he is starting to lose interest in food and even when he was eating all of his meals and snacks, he was losing weight. He seems so thin to me now. He is very weak and having trouble walking further than room to room. He is having trouble sleeping through the night and we had to start him on pain medications. I emailed Canna Companion a few questions about the cannabis supplement before ordering when his doctor first recommended them but they never responded. We found some oil drops available locally instead at All The Best Pet Care and those do seem to help a little. He is more relaxed and his appetite improved a bit. They were very helpful with questions when we went there so I recommend giving them a try if people are interested in adding that.

Mike and I decided to stop chemo and wait through the weekend to see if some of his symptoms are side effects of that. If so, we will watch for when he has trouble breathing and say goodbye. In case he doesn’t improve, we are making arrangements for a home vet visit next week. This last round of chemo was really hard for him and I can’t put him through any more.

I am trying not to cry but the grief keeps coming in waves. I am mostly able to just be with him and enjoy him for now. Mike is still wavering in and out of denial. Ella is worried and will cuddle him but has been a little distant too. She has resumed her cheerleader roll during potty breaks when we are encouraging him to walk. He has needed assistance walking due to a combination of being weak and loopy from the pain meds sometimes so the back half of his harness came out of storage. Rufus is limiting his terrorizing to Ella only so I know even he is concerned for Cole.

We have 2 beds in our master bedroom; we have a king size and the dogs have a twin to share. We are breaking our usual no dogs on the human bed rule and all 5 of us (2 humans, 2 mastiffs and Rufus the cat) are cramming on our bed for sleeping at night and sometimes movies in the day. We have been taking a blanket and pillows outside and sitting with him in the grass. He is getting all the treats and I’m headed out for steak, rotisserie chicken, bananas and more canned food when I finish writing this. He will have the most amazing week (or however long) I can possibly provide. It will be filled with his favorite foods, belly rubs, cuddling in a big snoozy pile and spending time in the back yard eating beans and peas from the garden and chewing sticks.