Yesterday was my first day back at work but my husband still stayed home with him. He has been walking pretty well with us beside him and hasn’t needed the rear part of the help em up harness for a few days. He has moved around the room a few times and gotten up to readjust on the bed but the walking has been mostly trips outside with us next to him to steady his balance. My mom stopped by and Cole jumped up and ran to the door with Ella like he always has before Mike could react. He was really excited to see her. At one point during the day, Mike took him out to pee and he didn’t want help. He wanted space and hopped through the yard by himself for the first time. We were both so excited for him! Now we open the door and he hops out with Ella unassisted and walks his usual routes to find the perfect spot. Here he is this morning though he is a little groggy and needing his morning pain pills. Cole has never been a morning person. I plan to get some more pictures of him walking today after he is fully awake.

The past few days, he has been really picky about food and only eating very small amounts even though we have been mixing in fun things like yogurt or pumpkin or broth. Even pieces of chicken seemed to turn his stomach but he would force a small piece down when offered. He ate at least a little every day and has been drinking a little every time we offer him water but it is not much. Yesterday, Mike texted me at work and said Cole seemed uncomfortable and was panting a lot and his stomach was gurgling. He made sure he got a little food and was giving him ice chips which seemed to help. Later I got the funniest text. It was something like “WE HAVE POOP! Cole has finally released the kraken. I think he feels much better now.” followed by about 10 poo emoji. He pooped once the morning after surgery but not since then so I’m glad his system is going again. This morning, he gobbled up all of his food and had a big drink and seems a little brighter overall.

Yesterday when I came home from work, Cole greeted me at the door and it was hard to tell he had three legs. He and Ella were swarming around me in the entry and they were both wagging like crazy. Ella was even bumping into him and he didn’t wobble at all. I was amazed by how fast he can walk. He also did this thing he has always done which made me really happy. It is such a small thing but it is so Cole that I was really happy when I heard it. He bonks the doorknob with his nose so if he knows we are going somewhere, he bonks it a few time like ” Hey! This is how you open the door!” When I came up the walk to the door last night, I heard the familiar rattle…..rattle of him bonking the knob from the other side. My boy is coming back.

His incision looks good though there is some swelling. We have been icing several times a day. I took his port and catheter out Thursday night before bed so he is not getting the Bupivacaine anymore and I can tell he is feeling it a little more as a result. He doesn’t like the icing and I can see a big difference as the different oral pain medications take effect. He softly whines rarely now and usually in the morning when he has slept off all his different medicines. Overall, I can’t believe the difference in just 4 days. Tuesday night, I was on the verge of tears and telling Mike that I don’t know if I am strong enough for this. Friday, he is walking in the yard by himself and greeting me at the door. Everyone says you will be amazed by how they bounce back but I think it is something you have to see to believe.

There was one small sad moment today. Since he was feeling so good, I put some toys in front of him in case he wanted to play. He chose a red plush bone our friends got him for Christmas and was a favorite before his surgery. He was chomping on it and his shoulder started moving like he was trying to grab it with his missing leg to hold onto it while he chewed. He stopped and got a funny look on his face. He  seemed frustrated and gave up. I hope he learns to play with his toys again. He really loved playing and toys before but he would use his front paws to pounce on things and smack them around a lot. Here is a picture of him playing with his alien from a few days before his amputation.

Today was a little tough as Cole was a little weak and wobbly from either the chemo or the after surgery crash. He just wanted to sleep and was not interested in food other than very select cookies. The things he went for yesterday were spit out today. This makes me think it was the chemo. We had to shove the pills down his throat and he ate very little food but some cookies and a little bite of chicken so that is something.

This morning, I was watching him sleep and sad for him that he seemed to not feel good and worried that he was so weak. I saw him struggle to walk to go out and go to the bathroom. I’m ashamed to admit I started missing the dog that he was. I miss my playful goof and sweet snuggly guy that I know he still is and will be again but I also miss the beefy, seemingly invincible dog he was. I miss the dog that people would stop me to ask about and want to pet and make comments like “I bet no one gives you a hard time!” I miss moments like the door to door security system salesman coming to our door, pausing with his mouth open when the door opened and he was face to face with a wagging and smiling Cole, shaking his head and saying “Have a nice day” before walking away. I miss the dog that once blocked my entire bedroom doorway with his huge body and, head down, snarled in a way that sounded more like a bear roaring than a sound a dog can make when a man came into my house at 3:30 in the morning (it was just my husband coming home from an overnight film shoot at work so no worries, nothing bad happened). I miss our walks and the short but hilarious wrestling matches between him and Ella. I miss the gorgeous beast who was so much the ideal mastiff. It is shallow and selfish to think these things and I felt bad thinking them. He didn’t ask to get cancer and is in pain and here I am, sad that he will be less….perfect? impressive? I’m not sure what the word I am looking for is. I am tempted to delete this whole post because I am disgusted with myself for thinking these things even if it was only for a few minutes.

As the day went on, he started feeling better and got stronger. All of his little victories made my heart swell and I was so filled with pride when we took off the back half of his harness and barely supported him for his last potty trip before bed. I was so happy for him when I took his port out after his last dose through the catheter because it meant he could be out of isolation and back in his bed. The “dog bed” is a twin size mattress on the floor at the foot of our bed so there is a mattress thickness bit of a jump. I was so happy when he hopped up on the bed after only one stumble all by himself. He is now snoozing with Ella where he should be and I expect him to sleep through the night because of it. He is now sitting up at different points during the day and can get up by himself. I am so proud of how strong he is and how resilient. I miss some things about the old Cole but I am appreciating him in so many new and different ways now. He is amazing and still so impressive and gorgeous and a perfect example of a mastiff. He has lost nothing but 10 lb of pain and disease so I was crazy for feeling sad before.

I wonder if others have these thoughts through this process. Is it just me being selfish and prideful or is it normal to miss things about your dog?

Just now while I was writing this, he stood up by himself and walked a few feet and then got back in bed with no assistance at all for the first time. It feels like the kind of excitement you feel over a baby’s first steps. I’m so happy he will soon feel less confined by his inability to move very much.

Cole is doing better now. After the hellish first night, we started seeing glimpses of our dog again. The constant crying did stop once we figured out how to space out all the different medications a little better. I think part of the problem is he had his last dose of everything at the surgery center right before we left so we had to wait so long for him to be able to have anything again. We have been trying to make sure he gets some sort of medication every 3 to 4 hours if he is awake and seems uncomfortable. If he is sleeping, we let him sleep until he wakes up and needs more pain medicine. He is much more comfortable now. He slept several hours at a time last night. I slept with him for the first 4 hours then moved to my bed and he only woke up a few times after that.

He is continuing to eat and drink. His appetite has waned a little but he is still eating at least part of his food and several cookies. He stopped peeing the bed by yesterday morning but was still incontinent so he leaked fairly steadily. It was manageable with puppy pads and not completely stripping the bed every 45 minutes. I think they really pumped him with fluids in surgery and he didn’t know how to pee outside while wearing that harness or not lifting a leg so he tried to hold it. He did the same thing when we first got him. He was 10 months old and we had to wait him out by standing outside before he understood it was ok to pee when on leash. He has mastered peeing outside now and is not leaking anymore so the pee pads are not needed for anything other than placemats when he eats and drinks in bed.

Ella has been a little withdrawn and watchful. She seems concerned and a little confused. She was a big help in getting him to pee in the harness. My husband has been a bit overprotective and is so scared she will get crazy and hurt him while trying to play. I said we need to get him back to his routine so let’s try it. We get him outside and standing steady then let her out. I think the familiar potty trip scene it created helped him and he had his first pee. We told him he was such a good boy and he hasn’t had any trouble since. Ella is like a little cheerleader. She loves his hop and jumps around him and gets the zoomies. It is really encouraging him to walk and I love seeing her run up and touch noses, they wag and nuzzle then she goes bounding around. When he hops, she gets really excited because she thinks he is playing.

She also helped him to relax. We have been really nervous about the port by his incision because that thing is impossible to keep in place. We were scared Ella would accidentally rip it out. She seems to instinctively know to be gentle and is not snuggling up as hard as before. We started having her come in the pen with him once the leaking pee stopped and he relaxed completely for the first time since we brought him home. Their bond is so amazing. They have both been upset at being separated and they both fell into a very deep sleep as soon as they were together. I took this picture last night and then had to go hide to cry mostly happy but also bittersweet tears.

He is doing really well with walking. He got up by himself three times yesterday: once when I left to pick up food for Mike and me and came back, once for Mike when he came home from picking up medicine for him and once for Grandpa when Mike’s dad dropped off some supplies for us. He is wobbly and tires quickly but walks more and more with less and less support from us. He insisted on going to “his spot” which is the far end of the yard to pee. We have moved to the living room and he and Ella are snoozing on their bed in front of the couch. No whining at all and he has been snoozing on and off and just hanging out when awake. I think some of the whining is because he really just hates that pen. The port is supposed to come out today so he will sleep with Ella in their bed. He is a little more tired today but we were expecting a crash from either chemo or few days after surgery so are not concerned. He seems good other than being more tired.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention his incision looks great and already looks like it is healing. There is a little bruising and some swelling but it already looks better.

We called the emergency vet and he said up the Tramodol which has helped. He is finally settled down and resting. Going to sleep now while I can but I wanted to post that he is doing ok for now. Here is a picture of his incision with the port set up our vet used and one of him finally resting with my husband.

I posted about this in the forums because we are overwhelmed and could use the advice and support. We picked him up around 4 this afternoon and took him to chemo before coming home. He was really excited to see his sister and he ate but the pain medication is not cutting it. He has a port that we inject Bupivacaine into every 6 to 8 hours but he started really feeling it at about 5 hours and we gave it to him at 5.5 hours when he was howling in pain and would not stop writhing around on the bed. I am hoping it was only so bad because he had so much to do today with the doctor appointments.

Cole at chemo

The port is problematic because I am scared it will get ripped out but taping doesn’t stay, this sticky plastic wrap stuff the vet put on it just bunched up around it, the T shirts do not keep it in place. He cannot walk on his own at all. I think he is too doped up and weak because even his back legs are not holding him up. Every time we put the harness on, I feel like the port is going to be ripped out.

He has also been peeing everywhere. He peed during chemo, he peed more than I thought a dog could hold in the front yard when we first got home, we have changed his bedding twice and have been keeping puppy pee pads under him as much as possible but the pee just doesn’t end. We don’t want to take him out for all this pee because it requires the harness and seems to just exhaust him to go the 6 feet required to step outside. I hope this is just the fluids from surgery and his system gets back to normal.

His incision looks good. There is quite a bit of fluid in the bottom and some drainage but nothing out of the ordinary so far. He ate both breakfast and dinner, he pooped this morning and we got pumpkin to help keep things going. He is on anti-nausea medication from chemo. I do not know how to comfort him. He seems like he is in so much pain.

Cole gets home